“People change.

People are changing every day. We aren’t the same people we were last week because we are learning, growing, learning new ways to cope. We are always evolving. You always have to give people a chance.

For fifteen years I smoked crack cocaine. I ran the streets. Then I got into meth. Once you’re in addiction, you’ll do anything. It’s awful. But you get smart. You start selling to survive. That’s what I did. I ran the streets, you know?

So, I grew up in the North Valley. My parents got divorced when I was about eight. My mom was a wreck. I don’t remember much. I’ve blocked the trauma but I remember bits and pieces. My mom gets remarried to this guy who just got out of prison. He used to beat the shit out of my mom. He used to beat me up to. My sister…she was younger and I remember hiding her to keep her safe. My mom worked all the time and was that type that just wanted please the man, you know? Well, he ended up raping me, molesting me for two or three years. He told me that if I didn’t do it with him, he would do it to my brother or sister so I was like okay and did it….and then I remember scrubbing my skin in the shower until it bled and feeling dirty all the time. I’ve blocked a lot of it but I get these bits and pieces…I hated my mom for not protecting us…she worked all day in night and kissed his ass and then he would beat her and abuse me I was like…Man, I hate you.

With all the stuff going on, my sister got hit in the head and lost her ability to have memory. My brother just stays to himself. He is just like a hermit. We have a lot of pain inside, man. We literally lived through hell. A nightmare.

Anyway, we would go visit my dad and he was freaked out. He took pictures of the bruises and he felt so bad. He would just cry. But I couldn’t tell him because I was so scared. And it was back in those days when the mom always got custody no matter how bad she was and my dad, man, he was good. He was the greatest dad in the world. Eventually, when I was about thirteen, he was able to get full custody.

But by then I was messed up. I felt so dirty. I felt like a bad person. And I never knew then how to be responsible with a guy. I felt awful and I turned to alcohol and weed to just try to make it all go away. It went downhill from there. All those years I was on the streets. Messed up. Man, just messed up.

My first child, she is twenty-six years old now, when she was three and I remember telling her dad to come get her ‘cause I needed to go to rehab. I was doing powder cocaine and the time and I needed off. But they took her to California and they wouldn’t give her back to me. They tricked me and said they would take care of her while I healed. But what they did was take me immediately to court to take her. So, I get called into the court but…come on. I’m homeless, I’m a drug addict and you want me to be in court in California. Like, how is that possible? Right. They knew exactly what they were doing. That just threw me into addiction worse. Why did I ever trust anyone? I was so depressed I dove in hard core. I sank for eleven years.

Some years pass my middle child was in the car with me 24/7. We had an apartment at the time but I was selling so I was moving around all the time. When she was about six years old, we got in a car accident. She was in the front seat. It wasn’t my fault but I went to jail. She was in a body cast. I got a DWI and charged with child abuse. I was so over it. I was so scared what might happen to my daughter. I was paranoid that someone would hurt her while I was in jail. Like what happened to me.

I could see that hurt in her eyes…she was like come on…and I was like, Lord. I can’t do this no more. Withdraw was terrible. Man, it is hard. But I was clear-headed focused. I wanted out and I wanted my daughter and that was the only thing important to me. So, I just did it.

I called my mom. Hey, can you watch her? Well of course she tried to take my daughter. I’m back in court. I’m freaking out. I was traumatized by everything that happened every single day. But I got out of jail. I fought my mom for two years to get my daughter back. UNM Law Clinic were amazing helping me and I got my daughter back. I resolved that I would never ever let this happen again.

My dad has never given up on me. When I was going through all my junk, he was always there. He didn’t leave me. And I didn’t leave my children. When I got it together, I got a job at Wal-Mart and I put every single penny towards their education. I talked to my daughter daily now. We have a relationship. It’s not the best but it’s something. I just want her to know that I’ve changed and that I’m doing good things. My daughters are in college now. They are awesome. They are very smart.

So now I help people with addictions and people coming out of prison. I’ve always volunteered with SageBrush Church Jail and Prison Ministries. When I was incarcerated in 2008 I gave my life back to the Lord and I started going vigorously to the church. Helping people is my passion. I can give people hope. I live a pretty normal life right now. I’m a Certified Peer Support Worker, a Certified Community Support Worker and a Certified SOAR advocate. I’m working for Frontline Resurrection helping people coming out of prison integrate into society.

You don’t know nobody’s past. You don’t know what they’ve been through. They may act this way but they don’t mean to. It’s about what they’ve been through. Don’t judge.”

-          December 2022

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Nicolassa is the author of ACTION PLAN FOR RELEASE, a simple time management tool to help individuals that have been recently incarcerated in county jail or prison  with day-to-day goal setting that will help keep their focus on basic time management skills. This helps individuals to follow a plan of action that the individual has constructed themselves.