“Growing up, I never saw my parents drink. But all my cousins and older uncles drank and I thought that is what a man is supposed to do. Drink. They didn’t have a problem with it but I did.

I started drinking when I was nine or ten and pretty soon I was smoking marijuana. I had issues, you know. From my grandma dying – and I was really close to her – and my parents being divorced. I travelled so much with my grandma when I was young. I was her baby. She didn’t let no one mess with me. When she died that really fucked me up. I was about nine.

My grandparents were from here. They were big landowners in Santa Cruz, New Mexico. But they sold it all to move to Utah to start some New Mexican restaurants. My mom was the only one to move back. I didn’t like it here. I got kicked out of all the schools here, I was fighting a lot. I got teased by the other kids ‘cause I was half Mexican. They would call me ‘wet back’ and shit. I liked the fighting. That was my thing. I was about twelve years old when my mom sent me back to Salt Lake.

When I went back to Utah, I got into the gangs. When I got involved, the drug of choice was crystal meth. I started snorting it, smoking it and by the time I was fourteen I was shooting up. I was doing it until I was seventeen then the older homies…see, I was doing some awful shit and I was bringing too much heat to our neighborhood…they said, ‘Sixto. You need to get back to New Mexico ‘cause you’re causing too much trouble. They bought me a bus ticket.’

Nobody here knew what meth was but there was coke and crack and I started doing that and I started drinking more, smoking marijuana. Even though I was in my addiction I still worked. And I raised my son on my own that whole time.

The mother of my daughter died in a car wreck. DWI. That killed me. We’d had a fight right before she died and I said some nasty things to her and I didn’t get to tell her how much I loved her before she died. I hit it hard. I was fucked up every day for two years. The courts took my daughter away.

Six years ago, September 29, I’d been on a binge.  I was drinking, on crack and using heroin. I woke up late and didn’t take my son to school. He was six. I got a six pack for breakfast. Then I got a thirty-pack. Next thing I know, I was being handcuffed. I had passed out at the wheel of my truck at the stoplight. My son was in the truck. I remember, as the cops were putting me in the vehicle, I saw my son open the window of the truck. He was crying. I was shocked. I could have killed my son. I needed help. I was in jail for thirty days then I went to recovery at Hoy and did my three months there. I got this cool counselor, Edward. I was able to talk to him. And I realized that when I talked about the shit from my past I felt better. I’d start crying. I’d been in and out of the system but this time was different. I was actually doing the work that needed to be done. I wasn’t going to go back. I almost killed my son. I couldn’t go back. My son is my super hero because he made me get clean.

I relapse mentally but I haven’t touched any shit since I got clean and sober. I don’t like those old behaviors, the anger, so I keep working on myself. For the first year or so I did AA meetings every day. I worked seven days a week to stay busy. I also learned that I still needed that adrenaline so I started doing stuff like sledding, getting out of my comfort zone, go four-wheel driving, do more stuff with my son – the things that make me feel good.

I started attending classes to be a licensed drug and alcohol counselor. Then I wanted to be a certified peer support worker (CPSW). I passed the test. The judge found out I’d been clean and sober for several years and he hired me on as his CPSW and to run his peer-supported probation program. He was doing something different and I wanted to be part of that. Why? when I got sober I became a cry baby – I started caring for other people. I stay clean and sober to be a positive role model for my kids and the community.

If you think you’re going to relapse, use your fucking tools. Reach out to others. When I get down, when it feels rough, just talking helps a lot. You got to work on your issues, do what works for you and get out of your comfort zone. we have to hustle for our recovery to stay clean and sober the same way we hustled to get our drugs and alcohol.”

- August 2022