“I had a rough childhood. My mom and dad divorced when I was young. I was always back and forth and when I became a teenager, I just didn’t care to do that. My dad was really strict and mom’s house was a little more free. I had a step-dad I related with and I preferred to be at her house. As I got older, I expressed that I didn’t want to go to dad’s house and he didn’t like that. Eventually, I ran away. I stayed away. I lived on my own, I had a little job.

Then I got in a car accident. You know, I was 14 years old at the time and had no business driving but…anyway, severe backpain from the accident. So I go to the hospital and they prescribe me pain pills.

I visited mom periodically but totally out of contact with my dad but I was out on my own. I had all this freedom. Nobody to tell me what to do. I worked part time, this little old lady rented me a house but all this time, I’m on pain pills. Opioids.

So as the years go by and I’m hurting, I go from Lortabs to Oxycontin to Xanax bars. I kept climbing the ladder. More and stronger. By the time I was about 17 I tried heroin. My friends said, don’t pay for the opiates, they are so expensive! This works just as well. Ok. So…you know, by this time I had dropped out of school. I was in my junior year. I promised mom I’d get my GED but instead I just dove head on into the heroin world.

For the next few years that’s what I did. I lost my little home; my mom was done with my crap. I was crashing with drug dealers, couch surfing. I did that until I was about 20 years old. Then I met this man, quiet guy. We dated for about a year and he was aware of my addiction. He smoked a little marijuana but, you know, he worked and he didn’t have any real substance use issues but he knew what I was doing. He worried about me but he knew he wasn’t going to stop me. He was just there like the pillow for me to fall back on.

So there I am. Twenty-one years old. Totally in the gutter. I’m burning people, robbing from stores, got arrested multiple times, always choosing the wrong crowd. No house. No car. Depending on my boyfriend for money or hustling drug dealers. I lived in that world. …I’m like what the hell was I doing? I had no business being in those situations.

Then, one day I got really, really sick. Every time I would try to get high, I would vomit. Finally, I thought I had to see a doctor. I came to the El Centro clinic here in Espanola and I saw Dr. Hayes and she was like …. Oh, congratulations…you’re 18 weeks pregnant. And I was like oh…no, no, no, no….I didn’t want kids, I hadn’t thought about having kids or being a mom. I’m not fit to be a mom. This can’t be!

This one night, my mom is having a big party. Everyone is drinking, doing opiates and I’m sitting in the other room thinking…ok…. I’m almost five months pregnant and I’m sure as heck not going to bring a baby to this home. So, my boyfriend and I went and moved in with his grandma’s house. We got settled and then one day I overhead my mom say to someone “Man, if Desiree is going to keep doing this crap, I’m just going to take that baby away.”

And I was thinking…oh no. I got to get my shit together. So, I follow up with Dr. Hayes and she gave me some options. She didn’t tell me what I had to do. She gave me options. I came back in a week and said, let’s do it. I was ready for sobriety. Whatever I need to do I was ready to do it.

I came back a week later in total withdraw. I was a mess. I took my first dose of Suboxone. She gave me enough for three a day.

I went home, locked myself in the room and just went through it. Vomiting, sleeping, vomiting. I didn’t eat or drinking nothing for several days but I was determined. On the third day it got easier. I just hid out in that house for weeks. No phone. No people. Nothing. Just me.

What kept me going? Knowing that I could not raise my baby in that same tumultuous world that I had lived in. It was all about my kid. I’m going to be a good mom. I’m going to change this cycle. That was 100% my motivation. I didn’t know where I was going to get my next meal from but I knew I was going to be a good mom.

I enrolled myself in therapy. Took care of my open court cases. Did my jail time. Let’s clean it up. Let’s take care of my past. I got my GED. Got a cosmetology license. I never relapsed. 

My son. Six pounds, one ounce. Totally healthy. Dr. Hayes delivered him and now? I get to work alongside her every day. My son is 10 now and I’m a total sports mom. He is happy and healthy.

I’ve been here a year now working as a peer support worker. I see people back-to-back and it keeps me going, helping people, being a mom.

You want to get through it? Create boundaries. For yourself and others. Be consistent. Be clear. Self-care is vital. What really worked for me was helping other people. That’s what I do now. I help other people with problems like I had to get through it. People listen to what I have to say. People trust me. I do whatever I can to guide them. I don’t tell people what to do, I provide options. I’m the options person. ”

-        November 2022